Inner Vows

The majority of my childhood, I grew up with a single father. My mother was a great woman, but she had issues from her past that were left undealt with, and they got the best of her. My father chose to leave the marriage, and care for my brother, sister, and I himself. Looking back, I don’t know how he did it. Three children, a military career, and no family around to help.

Its not like my father was taking care of babies, we were older kids with big issues, and even bigger appetites. We grew up on what would be considered the “good side” of town, in a pretty nice house. My father did the best he could to provide a normal life for us, even though what was going on behind the scenes was anything but normal. We had plenty of friends, with great families, but we knew there were some obvious differences between them, and us. We had limitations on our lives that they didn’t.

Groceries shopping for three children is no inexpensive task for anyone, let alone a single man on a limited income. Once a month, maybe twice we would submit our food request, and wait eagerly for him to return from the commissary. Once home, we would unload all the fabulous treats, and eats, and then dive in. Snacks didn’t last long in our house at all. I remember taking a little of everything, and hiding it in my room just so my brother wouldn’t eat it all in the first week. Once the food was gone, there was nothing my dad could do, but wait until the next pay period to get us more. It felt like an eternity.

My dad received absolutely no government assistance to raise us, and my mom paid no child support. For a time, I remember my siblings and I receiving free lunch at school. Back then, and still to this day the school we attended was considered the rich school, and we were the furthest things from that. The process to receive lunch was quite troubling. We would stand with our peers in a long line before lunch to receive our ticket. As you approached the mean, old lunch lady (typical right?) you would hand her your money, or in my case shout out “FREE LUNCH” and she would hand you a different color ticket than everyone else. If she couldn’t  hear you well enough the first time she would make you repeat yourself even louder. How traumatic was this process?

This was just one, of many situations I had to navigate through as a young girl. Along the way, without realizing it, I created some inner vows within myself. Now, as a parent of my own three kids, those vows are making themselves known. Looking at the photo you can see I have a bit of a snack problem. This is the way my cabinets stay for the most part. As a kid, the feeling of walking into the kitchen, and realizing that I don’t have any snacks for my friends, and I to eat, messed with me so bad, that I swore my kids would never deal with that.

The moment the baskets, or the cabinets  start to look a little empty, I rush to the store to stock up. If we have people over, and we run out of something, a sickening feeling rises up within me. I do my best to always have more than enough for my family and guest. Somewhere along the line this behavior became my normal, way of life. I would love to say this is the only area I struggle in, but you should see all of our closets! I’ll just say, my crew and I won’t be hurting for store bought clothing anytime soon.

After a deep discussion with some friends about parenting, and spoiling our kids, I had a chat with my oldest. I asked her if she felt like she was spoiled. Initially she said no. I rephrased the question, and asked if she felt “over provided for materialistically”, and she replied with a strong YES. She continued on in her teenage smarty pants way “mom, you always think I need more clothes, and stuff, but I don’t. I have way more than enough”. It was her response that caused me to take a deeper look into my own life, and see where this behavior came from. My fears and worries, from long ago were now being projected onto my family. In Matthew 5:25-27 it reads 25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life”?

Situations like these, if left undealt with, can manifest themselves into even greater problems. I like to think that because I’m aware of my hang-ups, that’s at least the first step in the right direction of moving past the need to over-provide for my kids. In Philippians 4:19 it says “But my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches and glory by Christ Jesus’. See, its not for me to be the sole provider of all my kids needs. What I am to do, just like my father did, is to trust God to meet my needs as well as the needs of my children. My siblings and I never went with out food. We may not have had all the extras that my friends had, but our needs were met because my dad trusted God to meet them.

We as parents have to make the daily effort to “lay our children on the altar”, and give them to God. All the junk we carry from our past has to go. It’s what happened to us, but its not who we are. Life experiences can shape us, but let it be just that. We have to command those hurts, and hang-ups to serve us, not hold us captive.

So, if your battling with inner vows you’ve made along the way, because of past hurts, I would encourage you to lay them down before God. Allow him to heal your heart, and make you whole. Matthew 11:28-29 says “Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Rest in the knowing that you are not alone, and that the all-knowing, creator of the universe is for you. JOURNEY ON FRIENDS!