Thoughts From A Reformed T.H.O.T

As my girls and I strolled into the club, I scanned the room, and with zero hesitation, I pointed and said, He's my project tonight. I'm going home with him.

This scenario was a regular occurrence for me in my late teens and early twenties. Somewhere along the road in my life, I developed a mentality of "I'll use them before I ever let them use me." Thoughts and attitudes like this don't just come overnight. They are developed over time. In every gym, club, church, school, and workplace, there is a broken girl just like I was, longing to be loved, and she's willing to do whatever to get it.
I think it all started in the sixth grade for me. I was not the most put together, young lady. I had poor hygiene skills, I was very developed for my age, and I was loud and obnoxious. I was the "black friend' of my group and the epidemy of a class clown. I figured if I kept everyone laughing at random stuff, then hopefully, they wouldn't think to laugh at me. It worked for the most part.

At that age, girls and guys were starting to form "relationships." Seriously, looking back on it now, all I can do is laugh, because it's not like much was happening on the playground. But to a lost twelve-year-old, the fact that NO ONE even looked my direction…it was everything. Unknowingly I was placed in the "friend zone." Boys would come to me as sort of the middle woman between them and my friend they wanted to date. So, I just rolled with it! I deemed myself the ULTIMATE MATCHMAKER. I could spot a connection a mile away and match anyone up — everyone except myself.

I remained in the friend zone well into high school. I had little flings here and there, mostly physical (hey, it's the truth). Nothing of any real substance until I met Nevaeh's dad. I was fifteen when I met him. He was the first guy to pursue me, and I clung to him. It was a very co-dependent and abusive relationship, especially at that age, thus setting the trend for me. What is it with us gals and wanting the bad boy?

After having Nevaeh, I bounced from one toxic relationship to another. To call them relationships is me trying to sugar coat what was going on. From a young age, I found that my body and its features, and what I was willing to do with them brought along a form of attention I was so desperate to have. I was trying to fill a God-sized hole in my heart with things that couldn't even come close to doing so.

During college, I worked at a gym as a group fitness instructor. It was the best job! I loved encouraging people to believe in themselves and take better care of their overall health (too bad I wasn't taking my advice). Throughout my years working there, my own body began to change, and ya girl started to feel herself a bit. Not only were women taking notice of my fitness progress, but the boys surly were lining up in front of my yard if you know what I mean. I loved the attention, and I didn't care who gave it to me. I knew what I was doing, what I was wearing, and whos eye I was trying to catch.

I witnessed so many relationships fall apart in the gym, and at the club. Both places filled with a bunch of insecure people, just looking for someone to boost their ego, and I was a part of it. Now, none of what I'm saying is absolute for everyone. Are there people who can go to the gym or bar, and then go home to their spouse with no hang up…yes! Is that the majority, probably not.

With every flirtatious moment, another meaningless relationship formed. I was surviving off of temporary flings when my heart truly desired real love and commitment. I became unaffected by boundaries I should have respected. If your man was talking to me, then that was your problem, not mine. I did everything to convince myself that I wasn't in the wrong that I was going about my "single girl business." Oh, how wrong I was.

As I got older, my ways of "man-hunting" shifted. God had been slowly breaking me down and rebuilding me in his image. Life change was happening. I came to a point where I had to accept that in my sinful nature, I wasn't even worthy of the type of man I was praying for and seeking. The guy I wanted wasn't checking for the kind of girl I was (if we are gonna be real about this). I think it all boiled down to what my motives were and what was going on in my heart. My intentions at first were good, but consistent heartbreak turned a natural desire to be loved, into a mission of recklessly living by my own rules.

I don't even want to imagine what I would have been like if I had social media back then. It pains me so much to see some of the stuff people post. I can spot a DESPRET HOUSEWIFE on The Gram from a mile away. It's crazy what a meaningless heart or thumbs up can do for a person who already feels unnoticed. On some level we all desire attention, it just comes down to how far are we willing to go to get it.

I feel our society has become one that has stopped caring about the other person. Women and men wear what they want and act how they want with no concern for the other people that may be in their presence. You never know who is struggling with what. Lust is one of the greatest sins that burden people. I remember when I was out boppin, in the street, I didn't care. I purposely played on that weakness, simply out of my insecurity.
BUT GOD IS SO GOOD!  He came in and changed everything for me, especially how I saw other people. I was able to look at a man and know that it was someone's husband or son, not some project for the night. I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that he couldn't give me what I desired in a relationship because  I wasn't respecting the relationships of other people. How can we expect God to bless us with more if we are not trustworthy with what is before us?

I'm not sharing this story to glorify my old ways. I'm sharing it because I see this story in so many people around me. We have to be honest with ourselves about the WHY behind our actions. Until we do that, real heart change can't happen. Proverbs 4:23 reads, "above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Protect and care for your heart, and if someone has broken it, I pray that the all-knowing, all-loving, creator of the Earth comes in and heals it and makes it whole. We serve a redeeming and loving God, who longs to shower you with real love commitment. He desires to save us from ourselves, so we can, in return, help save others. If God can save a wretch like me, we WILL save a broken soul like you.