Resting From WORKS
It was the early 90’s on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, I can’t quite remember which. I had my tights, my pink ballet shoes, and my lavender-colored tutu. All that was needed to complete my look was my hair. I needed to have a perfectly positioned ballerina bun sitting right smack dab on top of my head. I was waiting and waiting for her to come to the house to style my hair, but she was taking forever. If she didn’t get there soon, I was going to be late to my first recital, and my dad was going to have to try his hand at perfecting the ballet bun. Finally, she got there! She took me into the blue bathroom. Quickly she put some water and grease on the brush. I remember the water just running down my face. With every bit of force, she had she brushed all my hair plus some of my brain up into the neatest and tightest bun imaginable. Finally….my mom showed up.
This trend of her being late continued a few more times until she just stopped showing up altogether. My mother (God rest her soul) would only call or attempt to come to visit if we (the kids) had something going on that warranted her presence. I’m not judging her for it. I’m simply stating that from my perspective as a kid, this is how I felt. Her actions helped set the stage for a lifelong internal struggle with feeling like I had to be DOING SOMETHING in order for her to show up for me.
Do you ever notice how enthusiastically we cheer on new babies for everything they do? I mean EVERYTHING! Having three children of my own, I can’t tell you how many cheer sessions we had over each of them every time they would attempt a new skill. As parents and bystanders why do we do this? It’s because we want them to do it again! We celebrate the skills and behaviors we want to see repeated, and we ignore, chastise or correct the actions we don’t want to see repeated. Now that you are an adult, do you notice no one is cheering for you as you wake up and TAKE A BIG STREEEEECH, or get up and walk, feed yourself, or even go to work? I guess if you post it on social media, you might get a like or two. But seriously, why do the cheers stop? They stop because these actions are now expected of you. You are supposed to be doing these things and performing these tasks. The awe and wonder are gone, and now it’s just time to do what you are supposed to do with applause from an audience or not. There is, however, an immense danger that comes when we “the performer”, build our entire foundation and self-worth on the praise and recognition that comes by way of our WORKS!
I realized I was amid this very battle before I made a public announcement that I was quitting my job. That I was walking away from a nearly seventeen-year-long career in the beauty industry as a hairstylist. The decision took many by surprise. For me, the decision was a long time coming. I had been going back and forth with the idea. Drilling my husband over the numbers. Financially, what would it look like if I quit? He reassured me that we would be fine, but I would just find some other excuses to toss around. I thought if I slightly raised my prices that would help me enjoy what I was doing, but no. If anything it just added more pressure on me to perform better! When that burnt me out, I figured I just needed to take a little time off. I took two weeks off during the holiday season, the busiest time of year. It was a much-needed change of pace. When I came back from my short sabbatical the tension remained. There was still this burdening pressure to make everyone happy with the work I did.
If you are familial with salon life, then you realize it is IMPOSSIBLE to make everyone happy. Especially when it comes to their hair. I joke often about the unrealistic expectations stylist are faced with each day. More so in this age of Pinterest and Instagram. Women come in with their overly filtered picture of a girl with three bundles of hair extensions tied in and tells us as their stylist to make them look just like the picture. Most stylists just politely chuckle, hand the client back their phone. They lovingly say LOOK SIS…and proceed to explain why they with their box dyed fried hair WOULD NOT be looking like the girl in the picture. Continuing, they would explain what Could be done for them in the two-hour session they booked. BUT NOT ME. I would wreck myself, my brain, and my emotions trying to make their hair goals become their reality. To make matters worse, if their service didn’t come out just right, or if the client wasn’t singing my praises, it would keep me up all night. I would play it over again in my head, trying to reformulate what I should have done. There were even times I would call a client to come back in to let me try it again…FOR FREE!!
Yall, I rode that roller-coaster for far too long, and it was finally time to get off. It took me getting severely sick and locked up in quarantine to make my decision. Once the announcement was made, I felt instant relief. Followed by instant dread. What would I do with myself now? If I’m not a working woman then what good am I? My kids are in school full time so I can’t really be a stay-at-home mom. Donny (my husband) has only known me as this money-makin hustler. How would he see me now? Am I going to have to earn my keep while lying on my back or down on my knees? As radical, absurd, and extreme as these statements sound, they were still VERY REAL THOUGHTS I WAS THINKING!
Somewhere along the line, I bought into a lie. A lie that said I was only worthy of love, friendship, time, and admiration if I worked or performed well enough to earn it. I wore my title as a working woman/business owner like a badge of honor. I prided myself on burnout and exhaustion. As if that was how I came to deserve a date night or an occasional moment of solitude. Vacation or time off was only something that could take place if I was physically away from my home. Even so, I still needed to make myself available in case someone called or texted. A flood of guilt would wash over me if I wasn’t working, cleaning, or doing something that I could be applauded for later.
This unhealthy balance and way of thinking plagues a lot of people nowadays. For me, it ran much deeper. At times it even trickled into my relationship with Christ. God, am I doing enough for you? Am I posting enough about you? I’ve hit a creative block and can’t write anything; it must be because I’m not in tune enough with you. This is just how the enemy works! In Eph. 2:8-9 it reads “ For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift— not from works so that no one can boast." Our very existence on this earth is enough proof that God loves us. His love is not a love we can work to earn but is given to us by His grace.
Being shut off for almost two weeks, unable to care for my family and really myself was the worst and best thing that could have happened to me. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect either. God knew that as soon as I quit my job, I would have found something else to busy myself with. A way to look productive and feel like I was earning my place in world. I just love how God works! I realized my husband’s love for me was all the reason needed to be cared for during a time when I couldn’t care for myself. I came face to face with some painful memories and began working through them to become the best version of myself. I pray it doesn't take a two-week lockdown and severe illness to make you realize your worth. I pray that you would l find ways to detach yourself from old and unhealthy lies from the enemy. Lies that would have you think your worth is wrapped up in what you do, and how well you do it. God’s grace and mercies are new every morning. Each day brings with it new opportunities to continue this path he has you on. KEEP SHOWING UP! I’m excited to see what this new journey to wholeness will bring. I hope you will tag along with me as we journey on, and step into who God is calling us to be.
