A Tale of a Redeemed Pro- Choice(er)
It was late October 2003, at a table for two on my lunch break. His face struck with panic, he said with impatience in his voice “Well, how far do you think you are?” I thought that was a weird question to ask when I just told my boyfriend of six months that I was pregnant. What difference does it make, the test says I’m pregnant? He continued with greater impatience, “ If your too far along then you cant get it done.” Get what done? “ An abortion Sharesse….” My heart sank. I never would have considered that to be an option for me. To him however, it was the only option.
After days of him giving me all the reasons why he couldn’t be there for me, I gave in and said ok. I hadn’t told anyone but a close friend. He agreed to take me to Albuquerque and pay for it (how thoughtful of him). I was so conflicted on the inside. Here I was eighteen years old, with a one year old already, and barely making it as it was. I was dating a guy in the military that I thought loved me, but all that changed as soon as I told him I was pregnant. I knew what I had been taught growing up, that abortion was murder, and anyone who got one was a terrible person, but there I was with a choice in front of me. I would be lying if I said that I was solely concerned for the wellbeing of my daughter. NO. I was more concerned with other people finding out about my “affairs”. My good-girl-by-day image that I worked so hard to put up would have been ruined. I made my choice, and I chose selfishness.
My close friend that I confided in ended up telling my parents. I felt relieved in a way because I was terrified. The day of my procedure they already had to be in Albuquerque for my brothers track meet. We all met for breakfast that morning because my parents had some words for the two of us. I couldn’t even begin to describe their disappointment, however I was an adult, and had to make, and suffer from my own choices. My procedure was quick and painful. I filled out some generic paperwork, paid half up front, and the other half on my way out. I’ve never got the sound of the heartbeat out of my head (I guess that’s just something I have to live with because of “my choice”) The appointment came and went, and we headed back home. We broke up shortly after that, but the repercussions of my choice lingered on.
I would love to say that I sought out professional help, got on birth control, or even attempted to get my life together, but I didn’t. I fell into a deep sea of selfishness and ambivalence. I didn’t care too much about anything other than myself. I moved on to a new fling, with another military guy. Life was life until….I got pregnant again. After three weeks of knowing this guy (I was a class act, I know) he immediately denied it being his. Without a second of hesitation, I made yet another choice. I was disgusted with him, and disgusted with myself. I scraped up the money, and did what I thought I needed to do.
There I was at the same clinic NOT EVEN a year later selfishly exercising my choice. I filled out the generic paper work, paid the first half up front, and the rest on my way out. It was quick, extremely painful, and they didn’t even get it all…I wasn’t quite far enough along. What a bad choice.
At this point I was a hollow person. I had convinced myself that my decisions didn’t effect anyone but me. I became reckless in my actions, and grew more and more inward. I came up with this terrible statement when people would bring up the subject of abortion. I wouldn’t say I was for or against it, I would ignorantly say I was PRO FREE WILL. God gave us each one, and I chose to exercise mine in that way. I had the audacity to twist the word of God to fit my sinful lifestyle. My arrogance knew no end.
Fast forward about eight years later, almost one year married, and deep into another bout of bulimia. I knew what I was doing was killing me, but the pain I felt inside was greater than the knowledge I had of what I was doing. Sitting in the bathroom, pregnancy test in hand I made a vow to God at that minute that if he would allow me the privilege of being pregnant (a privilege I knew I didn’t deserve) then I would dedicate the rest of my life to Him, and I would never do anything to hurt my body again. The results were positive, and come to find out there were two babies in there. Jeremiah 17:14 reads “Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are my praise.” In that moment, I repented, I was healed, I was forgiven and doubly blessed. Praise God!
Isaiah 61: 7 reads “ In place of your shame, you will have a double portion; in place of disgrace, they will rejoice over their share. So they will possess double in their land, and eternal joy will be theirs.” Somewhere deep in the back of my heart, I believe these two little boys are in some way, my second chance. We serve a God of forgiveness and restoration.
I wrote this piece NOT to glorify my actions, but to shed light upon the domino effect of exercising MY CHOICE. I’m not here to argue if, or when abortion should be an option for some situations. This isn’t something that just effects the woman, however a whole slue of people in the wake of her choice. We have to stop hiding sin, and poor decisions behind this deceitful cloak of “CHOICE”. The “choice” that so many are fighting for, eventually robs thousands of others of their choices.
My story is one of sin, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. Each sinful choice I made, led me to another, then to another and so on. My choice to live as I wanted to, caused me to take life from another. I had to come to a place of death to my old way of thinking (this part is pivotal, because the enemy will fool you into calling things other than what they are.) and living, so that I could truly live in Christ. Galatians 2:20 reads “ I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” God is a good God, and no respecter of persons. What He has done for me, He can and will do for you. In 1 Peter 5:10 it reads “The God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little while.” Please know that there is NO SIN TOO GREAT, that God can’t save you from. On your worst day, He loved you the most. He is a God of grace, and He stands waiting to lavish it upon you; you need only ask. Thank you for sharing in my journey of self-discovery and healing. PLEASE KNOW THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT HERE, JUST ME SHARING MY TRUTH. Peace out and journey on friends.
