"But I know a Change Gonna come, oh Yes It Is"

Have you ever heard the sayings, “change is necessary if you want to grow.” Or how about this one, “be the change you wish to see in the world.” Or even, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror (oh), I’m asking him to change his ways (oh, oh).” Ok, ok, I just had to throw that one in! But this one is my absolute favorite. My pastor would say it from time to time, and I never forgot it… “ I don’t like change that I didn’t initiate.” Let that one sit on ya for a second. I interpret that as “I don’t like anything coming into my world that I didn’t have a hand in creating.” But what happens when you did have some type of hand in its creation, and you still aren’t ok with the outcome? Well, that is me right now, in this very season of life. GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE.

I spent pretty much my entire life living in Clovis, NM. The land of enchantment. I loved it. As a young single in my 20’s I didn’t love it as much, but that is just because I didn’t have a man! Other than that, I really felt like I had found my place. I had bloomed where I was planted. Clovis was my river in the desert. I felt like I was kind of a big deal. I was a big fish in a small pond…. why was any of that so wrong? Well, its not that any of it was wrong, it was just DONE. That season of my life where I knew everyone, and just about everyone knew me was coming to a close, and I was fighting it every bit of the way. But how did the countdown of my time in Clovis even begin….it began with me and my big mouth.

My husband is a hardworking man. Anyone who knows him, knows that. The company he works for knows that so much, that they paid for him to go back to college and earn his engineering degree. Within his company most, if not all the engineers do not deploy overseas. That was our goal. I say our goal because I played a rather big, and pushy part of him getting the job with this company in the first place, so I kinda feel like it’s my job too (that is totally my arrogance speaking). Deployments are extremely difficult on any family and we had had enough. I suggested that we begin going to God in prayer and asking Him to open doors within the company for non-deploying positions that didn’t require Donny  to be finished with school yet. Do you see how I said WE went to God in prayer. That means I had a part in this too.

Well, months went on, and deployments were saw through to the end. Several opportunities were brought to my husband, and with each one, I had an emotional break down. You would have thought I had no say in any of this happening by my reaction, but this is what WE were praying for. Why was I breaking down so much? Because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to leave behind the “world I had created for myself.” (do y’all hear how ridiculous that sounds? God had to check me real quick!)

See, I had fallen into a trap that is quite easy to get lost in if you are not careful. I had lost sight of God, and His hand in everything I loved so much. I had rooted my identity into the life, and the stuff, and the titles, and career that I had. On one hand I wanted a better job opportunity for my husband, because I know how hard the deployments were on him, but on the other hand I was not ready to give up my entire world. But who was it that gave me that world? Who was it that blessed me with the abilities to build up what we had? Ill tell ya, it was the Same God  we were praying to, to bring a change to Donny’s work situation.

Many interviews latter, Donny still was being overlooked. I could see it was wearing on him. How could it not! He was more than qualified for these positions. I just knew it was me. Not in an arrogant way, but I knew my prayers were halfhearted, the timing wasn’t right either. Eventually I had to ask God to change me. Help me to let go of my own way, and trust God with His way and will for our lives. At that moment, things began to change. My husband’s company opened a position up for him. Colorado…here come the Warfels! Because that’s where most of the engineers in his company work, and it was close to Clovis, I could come home and work once a month, I could see my parents when I want, it’s a familiar region, and it was what I wanted…. Do you see the problem here? I was still trying to control things. But my God had other plans in store for us.

I had been sponsored to go on a spiritual retreat not to long after hearing of the potential of this position for Donny. I didn’t really know too many people there. I felt very alone, out of place, and most defiantly out of control. And that’s just were God wanted me. I heard the Holy Spirit so clearly say to me that “This was on a small scale, what He was about to take me to on a larger scale.” When the retreat was over my husband came to pick me up, and found out he had the job! No more deployments. BUT… it was going to be in Florida! “What the heck, that wasn’t what I asked for!” That was me in a very angry voice yelling at God. (can you believe my audacity!!) Did I mention along with the specific word I received on the retreat, it was followed up by a “ I’m going to remove you so far from everything you have ever known, that you will have no choice but to trust me, and your husband.” I thought Colorado was far enough, but God had other thoughts.

I will be thirty-four years old this year, and I’ve never lived away from my parents. My whole world was being turned upside down. For eleven years I was known as Sharesse, the girl that has the salon. Or Sharesse, the girl from church with the big hair. For five years we were know as the Warfels of Clovis, the fun couple with all the kids. Yes, there were greater things both Donny and I were known for, but those were just a few. A few that I enjoyed identifying in. None of them were bad, just misplaced (you can read my last blog post if you don’t get that statement). God was, and is trying to move me into a life of complete reliance and dependence on Him.

In Matthew 23:12 it reads “ For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” I don’t feel in any way that this is some sort of punishment from God, because that’s not who He is. My priorities had been mixed up for a long time. My trust was in the familiarity and the comfort of home. Totally misplaced! With God honoring and blessing my husband with the desire of his heart, He in turn was doing me a favor. I needed a change. I needed to get out on my own. I needed to come to a place of ULTIMATE SURRENDER, and develop a relationship with God that I simply couldn’t have while in Clovis. I had too many distractions. Now, for this season, I’m jobless, no one really knows me here, and I’m trying my hand at just being a mom and wife. FOR ME…ITS QUITE HUMBLING, but I’m willing to give it a go. God is so good in how He will allow us to fumble along just enough, until he finally has to pull us out the game because we won’t take ourselves out, and for that I’m truly grateful. It pains me just to even type out that statement, because in some way I’m afraid to even admit that this move could be the answer to prayers of long ago. Prayers for my family, my sanity, and OUR ministry together.

  Change IS necessary for growth. Big fish can’t survive very long in a small pond, or else they stop growing. Sometimes, the change we long to see in our world must begin with us. And if we take a good look at that “man in the mirror”, and ask God to change his ways, the change that may come from that request could be the best thing to ever happen to that man(or woman). I don’t know what the future holds for us, but with God…it will always be for our good. I would encourage you to trust God with every aspect of your life. The things you’re holding onto the tightest are probably the very things Gods wanting you to give up control of. Journey on friends.