I Misplaced my Safe Place
There is something quite profound about feeling and knowing you are safe. Believing that you are in a comfortable space, free to be yourself. Discovering new things, cultivating relationships, and hopefully challenging those around you to grow in their own special way. That has (for the most part) been my experience growing up in the small town of Clovis, NM. Now, almost thirty years later, my once safe place will soon become a beloved memory as I begin my journey of redefining my safe place, and moving onward to a new space.
From birth we all inhabit different places. Our homes, schools, churches, jobs, organizations…you get the picture. Feeling “safe” in those places is one of the many reasons we return to them, and go about living and contributing what we can. For me, it was the only reason I would return time and time again to many of the above mentioned places. I felt SAFE.
Lets define the word SAFE shall we. It means to be protected from or not exposed to danger, or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost. Sounds pretty good yea? I mean for those reasons right there I would stay at, come back to, or inhabit whatever place that offered these things. SAFETY. We all want it, but sometimes in our desperation we can misplace our longing for it, and it winds up in wrong space.
I remember as a kid, when we moved from our home on the west side of town, to our great big, house one the east side. The good side. The safe side of town. It was a glorious day for us all. My siblings and I each had our own bedroom, lots of bathrooms, and even a playroom! It was paradise to me. I felt safe there. Then one cloudy, rainy day my sister and I unexpectedly had to walk home from school, and in on my mother being resuscitated by the paramedics while in her bed. My safe place was no longer safe. Discovering that my mother was battling a serious drug and alcohol addiction at the age i was, was one of the most difficult things I would ever go through. This began the demise of my parents marriage, and birthed in me an intense desire to seek out safe places wherever they may be…at that time, it was anyplace but my home.
School. That should be considered a safe place right? Well, over the past twenty years or so, folks may strongly have to disagree with me. My experience in the Clovis Municipal school system was for the most part safe. I had great teachers along the way who helped my father guide my siblings and I through some of our darkest times as a family. I enjoyed being at school. Not for the work (obviously) but for the social aspect of it all. I had great friends, I was involved, and confident in who I was pretending to be (did you catch that? I’ll have to dig into that statement in a later post). My father referred to me, when attending the mandatory teacher conferences as a “social butterfly”. That must have been his way of sugar coating the fact that I just could not stop talking in class (dose that shock you?). I just had a lot to say, and wanted everyone to know what was on my mind. That all seemed swell, and well, until one hot afternoon at recess when I was informed by one of my classmates that I needed to shut up, because I was just “BLACK TRASH.” This was a pivotal moment in my life which lead me to see myself and my surroundings differently. I no longer felt safe in who I was, or at school. That one moment lead to more moments in my scholastic career where I was more than informed of the racial differences between my classmates and I . Another safe place that was lost…I now hated going to school.
The Workplace. We all grow up, and go through school and life, to hopefully gain the knowledge and tools needed to be a productive member of society. When we finally land our dream job, there is a sense of accomplishment that overwhelms us. It makes you feel as if all your hard work, studying, volunteering, and time were all worth it. For me, when my dream job came around I felt as if I had arrived. It was a job that I secretly prayed for. I was looked over for the position many times, but it was my own fault because I never got the nerve up to just simply ask. One day I was actually apart of a team that was interviewing someone else for the very position I secretly desired. At the end of the interview process, I began to walk out of the office until something stirred up in me “just go tell them you are interested.” So, I did. Who would have thought that this organization had been discussing the possibility of hiring me, but thought I wasn’t interested! Sometimes we just gotta speak up. Well, I went through the interview process and got the job. It was everything I thought I wanted, until I got about one month into it. From the outside this organization seemed to be the Disney Land of jobs, a magical place where dreams come true. My experience however, was anything but dreamy. I was now in the trenches, elbow to elbow with them. They were my bosses and co-workers now. I was on a daily, experiencing sides of people that I had never seen before. The people I looked up to the most were now the people I wanted to be around the least. At that time, I felt as if I had a hand in the demise of my dearest safe place. I never should have went to work there, but I learned so much about myself because I did.
So what do these stories all have in common (besides sounding so depressing, and self-wallowing)? They each tell of misplaced safety and security. Because I experienced the struggles of my mother at such a young age, I clung to a false sense of safety and security in other people and places. These people and places were never intended to carry the weight of the safety and security I so deeply desired. The only one who could sustain and maintain that burden was God. Without realizing it, I had placed an unexpressed expectation on these places and people, that they in their flesh just could not support. When they fell from my expectations, my world was shook. I had taken a trust that was intended only for my creator and placed it on those He created. It wasn’t fair of me, they never stood a chance.
In Psalm 32:7 it reads “You are my hiding place; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with songs of deliverance.” When I read these verses, it shows me what I should have been doing all along. Placing my trust, and peace on an all knowing God. He never changes, and is the safest place we can ever reside. He is the only one who can withstand the weights of this world. Many of the situations I found myself in were difficult to navigate through, but with God it was possible. Over the years, I’ve experienced rejection, and disappointment on various levels, but it didn’t shake my world like before. I’ve learned where my safety and security lie. We as humans are all flawed, and capable of making mistakes. thank goodness for God and His grace! He stands at the door to your life with open arms longing to protect you. RUN TO HIM, LEAN INTO HIM and allow Him to fight on your behalf.
Clovis, and the people who reside there have made it home, a safe place. Through the good and the bad, they have helped shape me into who I am today. There is just something so “enchanting” about this little town, and I will miss it dearly. As I continue on the journey placed before me I must extend my deepest gratitude to the community that raised me…THANK YOU. Journey on friends.
